I'm 14 years old.
I got attacked two years ago. I didnt really think much of it at the time I just knew that I was terribly scared for a while (which I got over) but it also made me very cynical and suspicious.
I walked down the road, Looking over my shoulder. If anyone looked at me, I jumped and crossed the road.
I screamed at strangers for coming too close and scaring me plenty of times.
This became normal.
It's toned down a bit now but I still get ultra panicky sometimes.
I became depressed about 6 months after that and started cutting.
In a year, It went from
Back of wrist
Three months ago, I was scarred and depressed. However, Some of the time I was reasonably happy. I lived for my friends.
My mum and dad have split.
I doubt very much my father even likes me. I rarely see him and when I do he just tells me how I dress far too rocker and I'm too fat.
I try not to let it get to me.
However in the last 3 months I've
Tried diet pills
Made myself sick lotts
Not eaten till I got dizzy
Started burning myself/Smacking my head off walls, Anything that hurts.
Ive been trying to deal with all that stuff and stop. With my friends help, Im sure I could have.
If anything, Ive always had their help.
But Ive became so paranoid.
This is only over the last week :
*I got my ears pierced again. I knew Id be in trouble - that was fine. But I woke up crying my eyes out because I truly thought my mother wouldn't love me any more. I had to ask my own mum if she loved me.
*I was five minutes late for school. If I ran, Probably less. I refuse to go into school in case my form tutor hated me.
* I called my friend over after school. She looked at me but kept walking. I went home so upset I couldn't speak. I ended up walking to the bus stop and staying there for over an hour thinking - she must hate me. Oh god, Everyone hates me.
* If I call for someone and they're not in, I know they behind the door laughing at me so I never call again.
*I wont go doctors in case they tell my mum. But I forced myself today and they were shut. I walked away as fast as I could and kept thinking Id see my mum everywhere.
I'm convinced my friends hate me. They have been so there for me over the last couple of years I feel completely and utterly lost.
I frequently get carried away with my cutting and once it didnt stop bleeding for hours and I was convinced Id finally gone too far. Sadly not.
I'm sorry for writing such an essay. By writing this, I'm trying to sort out my own head, Get my own answers. Ive wrote it all wrong. I haven't even included half of it but TBH Ive bored everyone enough and this isnt going to help anyway.
Should I try therapy/Pills?
That what my friends kept saying when I was speaking to them.
What the hell should I do?
I hate myself and I'm scared of everyone around me.
I just want the old me back.